I’m surprised at how often my past has appeared during my post concussion. I get the feeling I was meant to process my past, forgive myself and others, as well as heal.
I’ve had to rely on my parents since I was unable to look after myself. This meant staying with my dad, as my flat is in another town.
Having been unable to do much apart from observing, I’ve seen my parents and I’ve realised that often I saw myself.. I have seen behaviours I’m not so happy to have taken on as well as being happy with others. I’ve become more aware of who I am, and who my parents are. I think it has made me less annoyed and more accepting of my parents.
Meeting a little girl
Spending time with childhood friends and in the area I grew up, has brought back childhood memories. I have encountered a little girl who was afraid no one liked her, and I saw how desperate she was to be liked.
I suddenly saw that I still was afraid of being lonely and unloved. I spoke to the little girl, my inner child, comforted her and showered her with love. I decided it was time to follow my gut and stop living in fear.
I decided it was time for me to start loving and accepting myself fully.
Showing up as yourself can be painful
Gradually I’ve noticed small signs of progress: suddenly looking at myself in the mirror feels ok. But change isn’t always easy and it is a process.
Sometimes when you show up as yourself, some people don’t like it and react. It is painful to get a door in your face or a cold shoulder from someone you love. But it is empowering finally daring to speak up to someone you’ve been afraid of. It is empowering to finally daring to be honest and open: to show up as you.
Especially since honesty and the truth mean the world to me. So much so that I can’t bring myself to praise my old teacher when she died earlier this week. I thought she was strict, and I didn’t like her teaching.
I was therefore surprised when most of my former classmates started praising her teaching on a Facebook group. I almost started doubting myself, but decided to stick to my gut: no funeral attendance nor flowers. Because it simply didn’t feel right.
But as I noticed how at first, only two wanted to send flowers to the funeral, group pressure suddenly seemed to get the better of almost everyone except a handful. Doubt showed up and asked: aren’t you a terrible person for not sending flowers to your teacher?
I keep hearing and feeling the pressure I felt as a child in this group: if you didn’t conform to the majority, some told you how horrible you were. As a child, often I caved in and didn’t follow my gut. It lead to frustration. So now, I’m gonna stick to my gut and keep showing up as me. I’m going to donate money to a project that aims to empower children in the Norwegian school instead: a project that will help children identify and stick to their gut feeling.